If you are in a relationship with a man who expects you to do everything, you’re not alone.
There are a lot of one-sided relationships out there today that operates on an outdated and archaic system of “roles” that come from being in a marriage in Western culture.
Why Does He Expect Me to do Everything?
Often, the woman or those who identify as a woman in the relationship are wrongfully expected to do housework, chores, and care for children or pets. This is not restricted to male/female relationships and can be found in any or all partnerships regardless of gender.
This is an outdated ideal and should no longer be the case in a modern relationship. Furthermore, while it is not restricted to male/female relationships, gender tends to be the driving force behind this archaic system, and you will see this very often in a male/female or masculine/feminine relationship.
If you feel you are in one of these one-sided marriages or partnerships, consider speaking to your significant other and strike up a dialogue about the power-dynamic and companionship that you are hoping for instead.
How Do I Get Him to Do His Part Around the House?
Getting your partner to join in on household chores, no matter who they are is about constant positive communication.
No one should ever be the ONLY one doing any work or cleaning in the house. Marriages and partnerships are team efforts, and you need to communicate that to your partner. You won’t get very far with passive-aggressive or petty comments about how they don’t help around the house.
Instead, doing it together, divvying up rooms or spaces, and even making games or fun out of it can help get your partner interested in helping you out!
Oftentimes, the biggest thing you can do is sit your partner down and express to them your troubles without blaming them.
Consider phrases like:
- “I feel as though I’ve been doing a majority of the housework lately and wondered if we could change that?”
- “Is there a way we can divvy up housework or create a chores schedule?”
- “How do you feel about switching up our (laundry, vacuuming, dusting) to twice a week instead of what we’re doing now?”
In a positive exchange, your partner should become interested and open about discussing the situation. They will realize that they haven’t done many chores around the house lately and will hopefully step up their game when you create a routine together.
If, however, your partner doesn’t take the hint or can’t understand what you’re expressing, start to be a bit more candid with them.
You can say:
- “I have been feeling a little overworked with the household chores. Can we share that load together more?”
- “What can we do to divvy up the housework so that I am not overwhelmed?”
This expresses that you are feeling overwhelmed or that the housework is causing you stress. They will hopefully respond that they are willing to help out more and that they are sorry you are feeling that way.
Finally, if your partner is still apathetic or unaware of what you’re trying to tell them, you may need to seek outside help or a mediator, especially if your partner is antagonistic or aggressive toward you for bringing it up.
Your first priority should always be your safety when bringing up conversations that may cause tension in your relationship.
Do Modern Couples Split Household Chores Evenly?
Modern couples should definitely embrace splitting up household chores.
The idea that one partner is the “caregiver” or live-in-maid is a very archaic one and often doesn’t click well with young, modern couples. There are, of course, situations in which both partners establish and agree upon this as something that they do want to do, in which case the husband or wife in any relationship may offer to take on those responsibilities.
If this is a well-established and consenting agreement, that is also an appropriate and modern way to tackle things.
However, assuming your wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband is going to be the one who does all the chores is a negative experience, and your significant other may be quietly suffering under the workload.
Checking in with your partner is essential on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. Open and constant communication is the only way to ensure everyone is still comfortable with the relationship as it stands.
Any and all modern relationships should consider chore wheels, divvying up spaces in the house, or being open to one another about anything they might be upset about.
Why Does He Expect so Much From Me?
As we’ve touched upon at the beginning of this article, culture in the Western part of the world – and in many other places in the world – has decided that the feminine presence or woman in the relationship is destined to be the one who is the household operator and caregiver.
It used to be something women had to do when they weren’t allowed to work. In fact, even as late as the 1950s, it was a point of pride for American wives and women to be the manager and head of their household. However, the husband would always have the final say, and wives usually didn’t get to complain without backlash.
Because of this cultural notion, parents and grandparents have been telling their sons and daughters what their “place” in the household should be depending on their assigned gender. For women, it is to clean and care for family members, while men were expected to work and bring in a steady income.
Your partner’s expectations of you may stem from this upbringing. Instead of scolding them or being angry with them for having these ideals, consider speaking to them about your own expectations in the relationship and describe to them how YOU see a healthy partnership.
Once you establish how the other person feels and what their expectations are, you can work to improve your living conditions for both of you together!
How Do I Get a Lazy Partner to Help Me?
Often, household chores can fall on one person for simpler reasons than gender inequality: laziness.
This is also a negative experience for one partner and must be addressed in a healthy, modern relationship.
Many people don’t like to do chores, and that’s okay! But expecting your partner to do them all just because you don’t like them isn’t fair. Instead, consider divvying up the chores you HATE versus the ones that you can tolerate.
For example, if dishes are your least favorite chore, do the laundry or vacuum instead. Keeping dust off the countertops or sanitizing the bathroom and kitchen can be a much better alternative than just ignoring chores on the off-chance you’ll be forced to do dishes.
Furthermore, if you are the lazy one in the relationship, talk to your partner, and find a balance. If you aren’t big on chores, consider doing the shopping or cleaning up the car. If you can help out more in one area of your lives, rather than just try to figure out a chore-wheel, you may find that the process isn’t all that bad!
It is most important for there to be an equal, balanced exchange of work. Without it, your relationship can suffer from it.
Do Husbands Typically Help with Housework?
Husbands absolutely help with the housework!
If you are under the impression that husbands just don’t help out around the house, then you’re being deceived.
Often it is common for those who are in an unbalanced or unequal relationship to be told that “this is the way things are everywhere” in order for that inequality to prosper.
This is a negative and harmful message to send.
Instead, it is important to note that many modern marriages and relationships are extremely open, communicative and positive! Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, no matter who you are or who you are with, there are a lot of great examples of positive and happy partnerships that include BOTH parties doing the housework – even if one has a 9-5 job and the other doesn’t.
Don’t be deceived and think that you are filling your “natural role” by doing all the housework.
It doesn’t work like that anymore and shouldn’t.
Should Stay at Home Moms do All the Housework?
Being a stay at home mother or father in the modern world is often a proactive choice in Western culture.
There are some cultures and regions even in the United States where women are expected to stay at home mothers, but that is not the common consensus anymore.
In fact, after the 2008 economy crash, both partners and even some teenagers in low-income families desperately need as much income as possible, so staying at home is not financially feasible anymore.
However, if you are a stay at home mother, father, or partner, this means you and your significant other may have sat down and crunched the numbers in order for you to do so. Hopefully, when that time came, you discussed expectations and how each of you would operate with one of you living at home all the time.
In that case, you may have come to an agreement that the person who stays at home is the one who does a majority of the housework. This would be a positive situation if the agreement was consensual and well-discussed beforehand, with clear expectations from both parties.
If, however, you decided to be a stay at home partner and was not expecting to do a majority of the house chores – and are doing them anyway – you may be overwhelmed and suffering from a negative experience.
In essence, no, stay at home partners should not HAVE to do all the housework just because they are home 24/7. Instead, if one person does all the housework because they stay at home, this should have been an agreed-upon situation that everyone was aware of when agreeing into it.
Finally, if your agreement has been breached, changed, or ended without your consent, speak to your partner and let them know that you would like a new agreement made.
It may help you in the long run!